Tonga! Tonga! Tonga!

LA Destroyed by Moon Condoms!

By Bryan Zepp Jamieson

7/28/01

In our lead story today, several west coast cities, including Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Seattle, were destroyed in a nuclear missile attack launched by the island nation of Tonga.

Administration officials complained that the Tonga missiles did not have the homing beacons on board that the US demanded of all incoming flights, and promised to file a complaint with the United Nations just as soon as they found out where it was. Noting that strategic defense missiles had failed to take out any of the five incoming missiles, Army General Stephen Fetchit nonetheless expressed satisfaction that several of the missiles exploded within 300 miles of their intended targets, and dismissed reports that San Jose was annihilated, not by a Tongan missile, but by an errant SDI missile. Pentagon officials noted that a massive retaliatory strike would be launched as soon as Congress provided an extra $45 billion to cover cost overruns incurred by the private contractor now overseeing missile launches, and promised that Tonga would be utterly destroyed sometime in the next 24 to 36 months. Pentagon officials blamed the 1964 Democratic House for the alleged lack of readiness.

Donald Rumsfeld suggested that the funding could come from monies saved by putting Phillip Morris in charge of the Department for Senior Citizen affairs. House Speaker Wally Herger criticized what he called "alarmists and socialists" who pointed out that with 80% of revenues going to finance the national debt, little money was left for military retaliations.

Administration spokesman John Haldeman, the first cloned Dead-American to hold a post requiring congressional approval, expressed puzzlement over the Tongan actions. Admitting that high ocean waters had resulted in the deaths of nearly 40% of Tongan residents over the past 10 years, Haldeman pointed out that the Putsch administration had been extremely generous, sending over $3,500 to Tonga in aid, and noting that President Putsch had said he was very, very sorry to hear about their problems.

Putsch himself, believed to be in a bunker somewhere outside of Bethesda, Maryland, was unavailable for comment. Former Senator Trent Lott, now chairman of the Commission to Ensure Good Quality of Life to All American Negroes, raised the issue of whether the attack had in fact originated from Tonga. "I mean, look at those people, for God’s sake. They’re practically black! There’s no way they could have had the brains to develop a nuclear capability!" This statement bought an immediate protest from the leader of the House Black Caucus, J.C. Watts, who said, "Bahzz, you being mean to us! That ain’t right."

Secretary of the Interior Gail Norton pointed to the nuclear attack as just another incidence of environmental extremism. "The Tongan government blamed their actions on global warming, which we have proven over and over does not exist. We have shown that the coastal areas of Tonga were flooded by exceptionally high tides caused by increased mass on the part of the Moon".

The Putsch administration has maintained for the past two terms that coastal flooding world wide was caused by a greater gravitational pull of the moon (see map) due to the fact that its overall mass (weight) was increased due to the large number of Russian and Chinese astronauts landing there. Administration scientists have calculated that just the increased mass from the 28 lunar landings since 2006 would have been enough to raise ocean tides an average of five feet.

"And that’s not even counting personal items left behind like condoms, empty soda cans, and Little Red Books," Norton explained. " It’s a wonder that Russian and Chinese misuse of the moon hasn’t flooded the entire earth yet!"

Tongan authorities denied responsibility for the attack, claiming that they possessed neither nuclear weapons nor the delivery systems to send them three quarters of the Pacific away, and a Tongan spokesman with some unpronounceable heathen name pointed out that all five cities attacked were port cities, and was it possible someone snuck nukes in on tramp freighters?

Pentagon spokesmen dismissed this possibility, stating that their equipment in space allowed them to detect even the tiniest residues of nuclear fissionable material, and that it didn’t show any such material in the harbors prior to the blast.

A reporter who asked if the same technology could be used to determine if the Tongans had nuclear technology on their island was arrested for littering and summarily executed.

Stocks were up on anticipated increases in unemployment caused by the destruction of one third of America's economy.

Newt Gingrich told reporters that a remark attributed to him earlier in the day that "those explosions eliminated half the blue areas on the electoral map" did not indicate that the explosions were Republican reprisals for the last known election. Vice President Gingrich went on to state that "New York and Connecticut should be paying close attention anyway."

Several major GOP fax machines contributed to this story.