A Letter to Scooty

Speaking Power to Truth

© Bryan Zepp Jamieson

2/19/05

http://zeppscommentaries.com/Humor/scooty.htm

Dear Scooty Boy:

Thanks for the hard pass. I can’t tell you how awed and impressed I am to join the most illustrious, respected, and honorable reporters in the world, The White House Press Corps. I only hope that I can join them in their mission of speaking Truth to Power, and reporting back to our real sovereigns, the People of the United States of America.

Ha, ha. Just kidding. I bet you dropped a hot steaming load when you read that one! If I was there, I would put a big old industrial-style mop on my head and coo, "Lookit me! Lookit me! I’m Helen Girly Thomas! ‘Thank you, Mr. President!’"

First off, attached is a Word Document with those passwords I promised you. The first one is to www.naughtycatholicchoirboys.com, the second to www.busstationboylolitas.com, and the last one, just for a change of pace, gets you access to the private areas at Free Republic. Tell GW not to go surfing those areas before he’s gotta stand up and talk to a whole bunch of folks. The results, while impressive (and tasty!) would be pretty embarrassing for him, ha ha ha.

I was thinking about the list of questions you gave me to ask, and they’re all pretty good ones. I especially like the one about how the liberal media punishes a conservative reporter like Jeff Gannon for a few innocent mistakes he made years ago, but gives a pass to a screaming old hag like Barney Frank. (I’ve met old "Miss Thing" a few times, and that is one Congressman who is just one stuffy old queen. I don’t see how he could get laid even at one of Matt Drudge’s parties!)

I suppose you’ll just tell be to stop being such a bitch, but really. Some of these left wingers just make me want to stamp my feet!

But enough about that old hag. Back to journalism matters.

I came up with a few questions of my own. Oh, I know the rule. ‘Never frighten the President with a question he isn’t expecting.’ Which is why I’m writing you now.

OK, Scooty, the thing is, I know the President has to talk about dreary, boring stuff like Social Security and Iraq and National Security. We know all that stuff bores him to tears, just like it does all the rest of us. It gives the reporters who work for the "real" news outfits (ha, ha) like the TV networks something to talk about so people don’t notice he’s giving the peons what Father McMurphy used to call "the old reacharound". And that’s all fine and good. Leadership requires sacrifice. My goodness, just look at that dried up old prune he married so he could appear, well, "mainstream" enough to be president. That’s one beard that has to itch miserably!

Anyway, I was thinking that what with us controlling the White House, and Congress, and most of the courts, it’s time we started reminding some of our supporters just where they stand on the food chain. Nothing that would cause the little dears to flounce off in a huff, mind you. Just a few questions that allow the President to sound little reminders.

So one question I had in mind was, "Mr. President, there are people running around saying that Spongebob Squarepants promotes the gay agenda. Do you think that people who say thinks like that are actually liberals posing as conservatives in order to make conservatives look foolish?"

I really think that some of the religious loonies that the Party roped in back in the 80s are getting out of hand, Scoot. Oh, give them what they want with gay marriage and abortion; this boy ain’t getting married! Why buy a cow when the cream is cheap? And just between you and me, I don’t think I’ll be having an abortion any time soon. But some of these people are talking about government funding of clinics to "cure homosexuality"! Why would anyone want to be cured?

Another question I thought of goes like this: "Mr. President, don’t you think the nation has seen quite enough of Mr. Michael Jackson?" I mean, bad enough that he walks around looking like Twiggy wearing Bob Hope’s nose, but he’s getting the public all stirred up about "sexual deviancy" and it’s getting to the point where, if we didn’t have Camp David, there wouldn’t be a safe spot in all of Washington for one of our little soireés!

Finally, I wanted to ask about the claims that some Conservative commentators have taken what the liberal media, in its vulgar way, calls "payola" for secretly supporting Administration policies. (Gosh, if they knew how much money we had to give that old Shylock Greenspan to come on board on Social Security reform, they would be besides themselves with envy. Lucky the President was able to bury that little item in the Iraq budget under "troop armor"!)

Now, I know you’re going to say that’s a kind of a sensitive subject right now, but follow my thinking on this. If we LOOK like we’re concerned about it, and want to do something about it, the American people will believe us. After all, those hayseeds believed us when we said there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, that a plane crashed into the Pentagon, and that Medicare drug costs would only be $250 billion. All we have to do is act like we give a flying Cheneyword about the situation, and our supporters will immediately give us the benefit of the doubt.

Of course, the boys at EIB and Free Republic are getting the word out that Democrats were giving money to Dan Rather and Michael Moore, and of course, their listeners are all huffy and indignant about that, nearly as hard as they would be if it was true and they really believed it. But let’s face it; nobody pays much attention to them any more.

So if we have el Presidente stand there and assure the public that it was just a matter of some aides being a little overenthusiastic about this bright new dawning of the ownership society in America, and he understood their enthusiasm perfect, but has asked them to remember to play by the rules and always, always, always be honest with the public, I bet it would kill the whole controversity just like that. As George would say.

Remember what that old queer WC said: "Sincerity! If you can fake that, you’ve got it made"

Love and Kisses,