Twenty Questions

Life in gawd-fearin’ South Dakota

© Bryan Zepp Jamieson
http://www.zeppscommentaries.com/Humor/questionnaire.htm
03/11/06

Genuine quote from Raw Story which wrote, “State Senator Bill Napoli argued on PBS's Newshour that if a victim had followed strict religious guidelines,
her life would be endangered by the pregnancy. Under this scenario, she would be eligible for an abortion.” Quote follows:

BILL NAPOLI: A real-life description to me would be a rape victim, brutally raped, savaged. The girl was a virgin. She was religious. She planned
on saving her virginity until she was married. She was brutalized and raped, sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it, and is impregnated.
I mean, that girl could be so messed up, physically and psychologically, that carrying that child could very well threaten her life.



Qualification Worksheet for God-Sanctioned
D & X Procedure

“Welcome to South Dakota, where coathangers are used for more than just grilling our road kill.”

Please fill out this form as required and leave with nurse at desk. The South Dakota State of Religious and Social Services has many applications, but you
may reasonably expect to have a resolution to your case in six to nine months.

1. Were you a God-fearing virgin at the time of the attack? ___________________________
2. Are you a God-fearing virgin now? If yes, sign form and go home, idiot. _____________
3. Are you still God-fearing?_____________________________________________________
4. Are you a good Christian? ___________________________________________________
5. If not, are you interested in a friendly half-hour presentation, at no cost or obligation to yourself? _______________________________________________
_________________
If Yes to 5 or 6, proceed to bottom of form and sign. Remember, God is watching.
6. Race of assailants? □ White □ Sioux □ Canadian □ Other ______________________
7. In what parts of your body did the rape occur? (Please be explicit) _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________
8. What were you wearing at the time of the attack? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________
9. Don’t you think you were just asking for trouble, tarted up like that? _________________
10. No, I don’t want to hear any excuses. Jesus hates little girls who dress provocatively. He calls them sluts.___________________________________________________________
11. How many times did your assailants penetrate you? ______________________________
12. Sure you can remember. Concentrate. ________________________________________
13. Did they use any objects other than their penises? ________________________________
14. Did they make you perform fellatio on them? ___________________________________
15. Did you enjoy it? _________________________________________________________
16. Did they use their lips and tongues on you?_____________________________________
17. Did you enjoy it?__________________________________________________________
18. Now that you’ve been broken in, do you feel that casual sex is no big deal? ___________
19. Are you attracted to men with well-paid, secure civil-service jobs? __________________
20. I see you’re crying. Would you like me to hold you and comfort you for a while? _______

With thanks to Englishteacher for suggestions.

PDF version with clean format available here.