A Festivus for the Rest of Us

"...and the parents hanged Santa Claus up with great care..."

© Bryan Zepp Jamieson

http://www.zeppscommentaries.com/Humor/festivus.htm

12/24/04

The big babbly this Christmas season is that "secularists have declared war in Christmas." Pat Robertson has whined about it. The Washington Times has whined about it. Those paragons of moral virtue, Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly, have whined about it.

To hear them tell it, liberals – that would be us – are trying to ban any and all mention of Jesus or Mary or virgin births or any of that. "A Christian," the whine goes, "can’t even put a nativity scene out in front of his own home!"

Of course, the reality is a bit different. I’ve never heard a liberal say that people can’t put nativity scenes in their front yards, and most liberals will either bestow a "Merry Christmas!" right back at well-wishers, or, if agnostic or atheist, at least thank them and wish them happy holidays in return.

But the right wing loves a campaign. To be sure, they have some fodder. Some nitwit of a middle-school principal sent a kid home from a school dance for wearing a Santa costume, claiming the kid violated separation of church and state. I had to think about that one for a bit. I decided that this principal clearly belonged to a church that believed that Santa was one of the disciples, and that after Judas got done kissing Jesus and Peter got done denying him, Santa was the one who worked the crowd during the hanging, handing out little promotional items such as T-shirts that read, "I was at the crucifixion of the Son of Man, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."

Well, it sure makes for an arresting mental image, doesn’t it?

More realistically, I suspect that a lot of people, believers or not, understood why that principal might be sick to death of the sight of Santa. Most of us are. But the principal was still a nitwit. Santa is not a religious figure, just as Christmas is both a religious holiday and a secular one.

If the right couldn’t come up with real reasons for claiming liberalism had "declared war on Christmas," they just made ‘em up. One online demoblog calling himself Scott Ott claimed that a branch of the ACLU, the American Military Liberties Union, was suing Rumsfeld for wishing the troops a Merry Christmas. There is no rule saying a politician can’t say "Merry Christmas." Aside from the minor fact that there’s nothing in the news reports to suggest that Rummy even said that, there’s the mildly disturbing fact that there is no AMLU, unless you count the group representing American Minor League Umpires. Strike three and you’re out, Scotty!

The fact is, nobody, but nobody, has declared war on the religious aspects of Christmas. Anyone who wishes to celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday is free to do so, and any self-respecting liberal will staunchly defend their right to do so.

Of course, people are fed up to the teeth with religious opportunists and demagogues whining that Christianity is being victimized by evil libruls. This is the same group that claims to represent a majority of Americans and also claims to be responsible for Putsch’s election. (Someday they’ll have to answer for that.) They claim to be all-powerful and victims at the same time. And so they simultaneously bully and cringe.

News flash: nobody wants to hear moans from an 800 pound gorilla about how the little kids are being mean to him because they won’t give him their lunch money.

There IS a revolt against Christmas in the land, but it isn’t against the Christian holiday. The only struggle there is over whether Christians should be allowed to appropriate the apparatus of the secular state to promote their religion or not. They think America is subservient to their beliefs. The rest of us, and the constitution, say otherwise.

But the revolt against Christmas is real, and what’s more, it isn’t just liberals and seculars who are revolting against it. A lot of Christians, relaxed or fundamentalist, casual or literalist, feel the same way.

Are you sick to death of that idiotic "Every Kiss begins with K" ad? Does it turn your stomach that corporations spend billions of dollars manipulating your kids into whining for toys and other crap they won’t benefit from? Tired of the same mawkish and tear-jerking crap on TV every year? At the point where you don’t even like Jimmy Stewart any more? Did you start counting down the days to Christmas, not because you were looking forward to the day itself, but because it is the day all the Christmas crap on TV ends and the malls start taking down the oppressively overdone decorations? How many Christians do you know who feel the true meaning of the holiday has been lost in the commercial blare? And aren’t you just fed up with the annual two month orgy of marketing disguised as human caring put on by the monolithic corporations in order to try to suck every dime out of your pocket?

Then you are in revolt against Christmas, and mangers and virgin births don’t have a damn thing to do with it. You’re just fed up with reindeer jingles and sappy ads and all the rest of what has become overwhelming and completely artificial crap.

So it was with considerable pleasure that I read a news story passed along by a friend the other day that was entitled, "Fooey to the World: Festivus Is Come." The NY Times piece, by one Allen Salkin, describes how Festivus, an anti-commercial anti-Christmas celebration invented a character, Frank Costanza, on the TV show "Seinfeld," is developing a real following in real life.

Salkin describes the holiday as consisting of a bare aluminum pole serving as the tree with no decoration – tinsel is forbidden, although I suspect people would understand that owners of cats they don’t like very much may get a dispensation to hang the substance, often deadly to felines. It is a time, according to Seinfeld, for families to get together and air grievances and display feats of strength, which Salkin describes as "accusing others of being a disappointment and wrestling." Other features of the holiday (which people are free to add to or subtract) include putting clocks in bags, tossing washers into holes, and break dancing.

The original idea is based on the actual family life of one of the Seinfeld show writers, Daniel O'Keefe, Jr., whose father came up with the idea.

The idea has been catching on. The number of celebrants – if that’s the right word for it – has increased from several dozen, to hundreds, to thousands. But here’s the bad news: it’s celebrated on the 23^rd of December. Which means we missed it this year. Tough beans, folks.

So there’s always next year, which my almanac informs me is to be called 2005. Don’t get a tree. Don’t hang lights. Just get an aluminum pole, and hang Santa instead.